Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Truth

The Truth


Each fragmented thought and deed revealed


to view

vulnerability ensconced

the truth

The raw ugliness of deeds done

Blemishes upon my soul

Moments of weakness


Will you turn in horror from the scars?

Those scars

Integral pieces of my past

I would

cast away

Purge them if I could

Does it matter that I've shed copious tears?

that I regret all those mistakes?

GOD in all his power and glory

has paid the price

But I still feel I bear the mark

ever will

It is painful to reveal anew

Those marks

fresh still

Upon my soul


I am the sum of all my imperfections
The shoulders that hurt
the wrinkles in my skin

I am perfectly flawed

Moles on my face
Rolls of fantasy flatness almost there if I tuck in my tummy

I am curvy

Not full of thousand dollar augmentation

Can I hold up my pin up of imperfectness
to their pin up of perfection?

I am more than that

God has made me more

Saturday, February 9, 2013

10 Talents of Abundance

Living a life of abundance

It is coming to a place of acceptance

I attended a retreat today

It was a place of quietude with the snow gently falling without and the sound of running water within. Immediately I felt welcomed and peaceful, I had some trouble finding the studio so was running a bit late, but they didn't seem disturbed by the intrusion of my entrance.

Syl was discussing the understanding that she has gained from Matthew 25, the parable of the talents. I wasn't quite sure how that fit in with the theme of abundance, so kept quiet attention upon Syl as she spoke. Syl has been through many trials these past few years, she's had a dear friend depart from her life, is raising her son alone, and has faced cancer as well. She's also had her share of fears over being financially able to keep her beloved studio open.

I've known of her studio for some time through her blog and have been grateful for her insights. It is a rare person who can share what they have learned the way that she does. I've had a desire to attend some of the Yoga classes she offers but something has always prevented me, time, money, energy. I'm glad I was able to attend today.

One thing that came to mind while listening to Syl is a glimmer of the understanding that I used to walk with, the understanding of God, the understanding of who I really am. In many ways the things that I've learned throughout my life have come to be a deep part of my being, I don't need to dwell as much as I used to on those things because I have already acquired the understanding of them.

In some ways though, ironic as it sounds, I miss the poignancy of the moments when I was learning those lessons. For instance there was a point in time when I was completely destitute, several points in time actually, at this particular point in time I had a barrage of  tragedy happen to me. I had struggled all year to get my husband to listen to reason, he was investing time and his personal credit in a project that wasn't going to pay off and I knew it but he wouldn't listen to me. My life had been drastically altered when I became very ill from eating too much wheat and TVP (trying to be healthy and become a Vegan). My dear sweet older daughter had a very confusing experience with her dad.

My world literally crashed around me. My husband came to me in December very close to Christmas and told me that the project was not going to work out. We had no money for Christmas but received $300 dollars in gift cards from the ward, I bought what I could and it was enough. I really struggled. Technically my ex shouldn't have been in the home with us, but I was torn between the cold cold winter and the reality of what had happened, how could I throw him out in the cold. I took long walks with my baby daughter in her stroller, winter passed to spring and I kept walking and started blogging. I had long talks with myself and with God. Every day I grew in courage to do the right thing, to stand up for my daughter, to pack up my husbands things and send him packing.

What I remembered though really (while listening to Syl) is the walk that I took with my daughter, when I found acceptance. I was walking to my parents house, pushing my daughter in her stroller. The voice of self doubt was running through my head, I felt inadequate. I felt alienated from the world, all of the people rushing by in their nice cars, going to their nice homes, even their nice clothing made me feel inadequate.

Then a realization came to me, that I was not the sum total of what I owned. That no matter what shroud I wore I was still the same person. That I had a choice. I could choose to feel sorry for myself or to feel grateful.

I started on the path to healing the day I realized that I didn't have control, that I could let go and just BE who I was. I still have moments of feeling inadequate, moments of fear. But I work through them, I know the identity of those feelings.

Syls seminar/retreat was based upon the 5 talents, to her the talents represent gifts we are given, and multiplying those talents means that we recognize the potential of those gifts and develop them.

The gifts we are given, ironically emotions that we generally dislike; Anger, Grieving, Ignorance, Fear, and Turmoil.

We can choose to bury those talents, to misuse those talents, or we can choose to develop something good from them. Appreciation for Anger, Gratitude for Grieving, Insight for Ignorance, Focus for Fear, and Trust for Turmoil.

The difficult thing in life I think is coming back around to the things we already know, remembering our past, living in the present and being hopeful for the future.

Syl also spoke of our Dharma, and Karma. Being true to our Dharma, our lifes work. In order to avoid bad Karma. She talked about recognizing the face of God in ourselves and how other philosophies and belief systems have similar concepts of the divine. I am really grateful to have this beautiful LDS woman in my life who is unafraid to speak with the understanding she has found from other beliefs. I am really grateful I went to this retreat tonight, it was good for me, reminded me of the connection I have with God.

There is much I learned. I'm looking forward to attending the next retreat whenever Syl schedules it.


Thursday, February 7, 2013

Campfire Communion

Rituals, happy togetherness, wisdom dispensed, solemn songs sung together, voices reaching towards the skies. Reverberating wholeness, erosion of falsehoods. Give, love, whole, laughter, silence a gentle communion between spirits, encircled together as love, hope and charity are discussed.


I'm dancing to a different beat

my own beat

my own

a steady determined pulsing of life

I've fastened the shoes, I've fought for the right

to dance

to my own beat

my own

Longing for the River

The river

It is there as the constant companion to my blood

I can see it, dark, rushing, constant.

I would rush to it,

rush and jump in.

To come up gasping for air, only to dive into the current,

letting it carry me away.

The verdant green branches rushing past, low hanging branches calling out to me to regain my sanity.

Indecision as the waterfall approaches,

daring to put my whole self on the line, I fearlessly face it.

As it approaches I find the way through it, a rush, I go over and drop a few feet.

My mind is filled with the smell of rushing water,

and my feet thrill at the textures,

the cold soft earth of the river bed,

the moss underfoot,

the fish rub against my legs,

elusive as I try to grab them.

My body adapts to the water, I become a part of it,

rushing downstream from the mountains above.

When I climb out I shudder,

is it evaporation?


Longing for the river?

Walking Along the River

Speak in rushing soliloquies,

oh song from the North.

Rush through my veins,

light a candle at my feet,

well wishes.

For the silences between us,

and around us.

Birds speak lines,

a foreign tongue.

lines of love, lines of warning.

Men in motion,

listening to the beat of drums.

A war cry in a box,


with extensions towards your subconscious spirit.

Silent to all, except those who hold the connection.

A bloom, a star shaped wonder,

suspended in mid air,

gossamer threads.

Trying to please you,

I might as well sail on the sea of disappointment.