Saturday, December 7, 2013

Second Chances

Second chances

again and again

Rinse and repeat

Give me more

I've learned

I've changed

Moved on from the past

Why can't you?


Once more

Give me more

Another chance

If I beg

If I plead

Second chances


Once more

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Whispers of The Past

Whispers of the past

Your eyes tell me of your passion

they dance over me in amusement

A spark ignites

A flame

Passion for your presence



As I pass

The scent of you lingers

the aroma of confidence

We burned together

I was alive

Every fiber

Every touch



all was ended

Wednesday, October 16, 2013


Life is a twist sometimes


I think it's settled


Then POW

I'm hit

Right upside the head

How should I respond?

Is it gone?

That hope for the future

The naievete of youth

All gone

Now every word is a reduction

The shortest means to resolution

A cycle never ending



Oh joy

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


What does it take to escape the aches

the aches the aches the aches

What does it take to be satisfied


takes away



Passion is burning


Passion has left me


Echos of yearning

Echos of living




Kissing my lips


Soft wind upon my shoulders

My lover




Blown away in the fiercest wind


Shadows never whole again


Stenciled men, sketched in

Shades outside the lines

Flares and flames

Sparked again



Monday, September 23, 2013


Everyone's looking for absolution

a solution


Cross-wise, old-ties

old traditions

in remission

Curse them! CURSE THEM!

The madness has grown

a grasping delusion

Power, power, POWER I SAY!!

Power in the silent prayers spoken in the dark

Power in art



Power is knowledge, unyielding to tradition




Thursday, September 5, 2013







Young child




Rub, pat, rub, pat, rub, pat, rub

Oh my child, Oh my child, Oh my, Oh my, Oh my

Rub, pat, rub, pat, rub, pat

My child, shhhhhh

My child

Deep pulling, deep, pulling deep, deep, deep

My child, oh my child


My child





My child, OH MY CHILD

Oh darling, shhhhhh



Deep, pulling deep, pulling deep, deep, deep



Sunday, September 1, 2013

Just A Bite


a mono-cyclic setting in the night

or is it?

Ah, they may say different

but all I know is slumber

I eat and breath zombieizm.

What would it take, for you to notice?

Who am I?

Ballony, garbage a piece of chattel lying in the street

tossed by passing cars

thrown by the tread



you watch from a distance

as though eternity is some interesting concept brought up and spoken of by dewy eyed men

as though this flesh

my flesh

is a speck in the wind


songs have been written

that say so

Yet why is it, that men whose remains have long ago vanished


and their words are still breathed out in reverence

then why not I?

I am yet to be a success, have I ever been?

Have you? Have you tasted it?

Well, I would live and die for a taste

that said

before now...

I was too scared to bite

Summer Rain, a Mad Dash

As I sit here

I am going mad

Tearing at the walls



The rain mocks my plight

dashing against the window pane

the scent lingers

it enters


I am owned by the earth

the sunlight

the sky

each bestows a gift upon me

Drops of dew

large drops

rolling down

sinking into the ground

enter, renew me!

It is a call, a call, a madness

as the branches sway!

Give way, give way

I must join

I must heed!

I must, I must!

don't leave

don't leave

The scent lingers, and I am a thirst.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Silent Truths

It's not often that the night time finds me here, an observer of the obvious, full of obtuse absurdities
along the road, the differences shine
minutia in the moonlight
how stifled it feels
here in my box of silence
the box of indecision
of decisions preemptively made
silent words
spoken only yesterday
signposts to the truth
a truth which may never be revealed.

Silent Truths

It's not often that the night time finds me here, an observer of the obvious, full of obtuse absurdities
along the road, the differences shine
minutia in the moonlight
how stifled it feels
here in my box of silence
the box of indecision
of decisions preemptively made
silent words
spoken only yesterday
signposts to the truth
a truth which may never be revealed.


The power is in her hand
she gasps as she grasps at the pain.

Her palm bleeds
yet she cannot let go.

Who holds the power?
An illusion of the obvious.

A vice tightening
her breath relinquished
her fate sealed.

A gentle kiss from her lovers death.

In the distance the call of a better day
and oft in the distance simplicity looms unaware

In her hand she holds the key
unlocking the pains of withdrawl
she shudders, when happiness nears
for tomorrow, tomorrow she'll pay

She cannot say no, she dare not say yes

She grasps with her hand the thorn, the illusory power within
and tries to let go
but cannot.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Life, As She Dances

Roxie, mature young lady with a baby heart
laughing as the popcorn falls, like Niagara
Springing curls, bouncing step, curiosity
Speak with the tongue
elder than thy lisping lilting toddlers heart
dancing through the kitchen.
I miss you as you grow.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013


Into the farthest reaches of my soul lies a leaper

a leper, an outcast, a symbol

and there I find my uncleanliness

and there I find that I lie in pieces

a broken heart

afraid to dream.

For all I dream
and all I know has
fallen around me

Yet I wish to be whole

to stand in the open, baring my soul

cleansing rain will fall on my head

cleansing tears will fall from my eyes

I will see who I am again

I will be renewed

and the mirror will be my friend.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013


The silence haunts me,

after so much noise.

It is deafening!

All I can do is clunk around in my room,

turn on the fan

lie down,

and listen to echos.


Echos of what?


Echos of possibilities, fleeting as they are


Echos of happiness, of pain

and I cry, laughing at the absurdity

Unsure of what I should do...

with silence.

Monday, July 8, 2013


As I lie, the shackles fall, these humble walls can't hold me

Sacred memories, sainted sites, blessed past enfold me

Stars glitter in the night

Lilting melodious wind in flight

Take me up among the leaves

Share my soul among the trees

My breath is part of you

Ancient drops you know me, right

Don't leave me to these shackles

Leave me to lie here



Someday will come

like the mists that shroud the mountains in the orange glow of  a winters night

and water off dripping gutters, into overfull puddles

broken emblems of the cracked cement


the mists of time will hang gently

like a shroud

in the orange glow

of gentle light

and your thoughts will be dropped

broken emblems

in empty pools.

Sunday, July 7, 2013


Do you feel the Spirit of God in the wind
as it blows in drifting currents
across mountain pass and meadow?

Or does it feel like the breath of the Earth
as it passes through realms unknown?

Realms of darkling universe

where Matter and Energy meet

Forming a voice for the void

An existence of wandering


Sunday, June 30, 2013


Existentialism an encapsulation of existence.

Creation of eternity

a brief glance at all

and yet nothing

Here in this form, this identity

yet everywhere

all at once

supremely unaware of the awareness

of creation

of divinity

of everything


If unaware, then does anyone truly exist at all?

Not to me

Friday, June 14, 2013

In The Wilderness

Ancient silent answers await


Your calming mind


Senses anew





AND there, THERE before your eyes the clouds part and  sunshine illuminates the verdant leaves that shake and blow in the wind

Fresh Earth


Stuns your senses

Lifts your heart upon the wind, up past the leaves, to the sky


Thursday, June 6, 2013

Little Quite Girl

Guide me

Little inner voice

Guide me once again through the wandering wind, through ancient tomes, through majestic copses of trees

Fill my heart

Wonder and happiness

As the silence is broken, my heart fills with laughter

I am free to speak again!

Sigh, inner voice.

You know me, little quite girl

Sitting by the stream

Dreaming in the forest

Mind ablaze with wonder, gazing at the night sky

Quiet little girl

Too quiet, letting others wills predominate

Letting others do and say what they want

like they could define you

Quiet little girl

Accepting their definitions

Swallowing guilt and stupor

Swallowed into a hole

Dark and ignorant

The essence of you


Sing again little quite girl

Sing with gladness, SING

For you are not defined

By your mistakes

Your glad little heart

will live again

when the essence of you lives.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Beautiful Women Shine with Tender Hearts

Women, beautiful women
Golden shining stars
Tender hearts

Girls grasp their daddies hands
Snuggle against his heart
With absolute faith in his love

Women grasp at hands
Grasp at straws
Seeking absolute love

An illusion

They put on false airs
Keeping up appearances

For bits of love

Sending pictures of fantasies

Broken dignity



Women, beautiful women
With tender hearts

Thursday, March 7, 2013

I Am a Woman

I am a woman

I hold the essence of life within me,

a connection to the divine.

I radiate the sunlight,

bright beams through passing shadows.

I gather the spirit of womanhood

from sands of time.

Sand which cascades freely though the sky, hours passing. 

Tear drops of life,

gather as pools of knowledge at my feet.

Speak to me in soft whispers,

your breath as a breeze against my ear.

Walk with me through the valley of sweet grasses,

feel the sand beneath your feet.

Wash away your tears in the pools of my heart.

Pulsating with the earth,

our hearts beat together,

as the sigh of the sea.

I am a woman

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Passing Thoughts

No matter how safe the bet,

it is a gamble

each little heartstring sent out into the world

A hope that somehow, SOMEHOW

The one you've always wanted is there, understands.

How deeply can the heart love

so quickly be full of hope

of spring

of new life

new love

yet somewhere there is a twinge of fear, somewhere.

Uncertainty fills the new hope with that fear,

reaching out to grasp at the passing petals

falling from the flowers of newness,

falling into time and space, death and decay.

Fleeting impressions that SOMEHOW,

somehow you can fall,

never knowing where you will land.

How much it will hurt.


In Spring new flowers bloom, beautiful things


Warm, Radiant


Burst forth from the ground

Tiny little seeds

So beautiful

They make the heart sing

Call out to the sky, call out to the sun

Tiny raindrops

Liquid capsules of new life


Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Truth

The Truth


Each fragmented thought and deed revealed


to view

vulnerability ensconced

the truth

The raw ugliness of deeds done

Blemishes upon my soul

Moments of weakness


Will you turn in horror from the scars?

Those scars

Integral pieces of my past

I would

cast away

Purge them if I could

Does it matter that I've shed copious tears?

that I regret all those mistakes?

GOD in all his power and glory

has paid the price

But I still feel I bear the mark

ever will

It is painful to reveal anew

Those marks

fresh still

Upon my soul


I am the sum of all my imperfections
The shoulders that hurt
the wrinkles in my skin

I am perfectly flawed

Moles on my face
Rolls of fantasy flatness almost there if I tuck in my tummy

I am curvy

Not full of thousand dollar augmentation

Can I hold up my pin up of imperfectness
to their pin up of perfection?

I am more than that

God has made me more

Saturday, February 9, 2013

10 Talents of Abundance

Living a life of abundance

It is coming to a place of acceptance

I attended a retreat today

It was a place of quietude with the snow gently falling without and the sound of running water within. Immediately I felt welcomed and peaceful, I had some trouble finding the studio so was running a bit late, but they didn't seem disturbed by the intrusion of my entrance.

Syl was discussing the understanding that she has gained from Matthew 25, the parable of the talents. I wasn't quite sure how that fit in with the theme of abundance, so kept quiet attention upon Syl as she spoke. Syl has been through many trials these past few years, she's had a dear friend depart from her life, is raising her son alone, and has faced cancer as well. She's also had her share of fears over being financially able to keep her beloved studio open.

I've known of her studio for some time through her blog and have been grateful for her insights. It is a rare person who can share what they have learned the way that she does. I've had a desire to attend some of the Yoga classes she offers but something has always prevented me, time, money, energy. I'm glad I was able to attend today.

One thing that came to mind while listening to Syl is a glimmer of the understanding that I used to walk with, the understanding of God, the understanding of who I really am. In many ways the things that I've learned throughout my life have come to be a deep part of my being, I don't need to dwell as much as I used to on those things because I have already acquired the understanding of them.

In some ways though, ironic as it sounds, I miss the poignancy of the moments when I was learning those lessons. For instance there was a point in time when I was completely destitute, several points in time actually, at this particular point in time I had a barrage of  tragedy happen to me. I had struggled all year to get my husband to listen to reason, he was investing time and his personal credit in a project that wasn't going to pay off and I knew it but he wouldn't listen to me. My life had been drastically altered when I became very ill from eating too much wheat and TVP (trying to be healthy and become a Vegan). My dear sweet older daughter had a very confusing experience with her dad.

My world literally crashed around me. My husband came to me in December very close to Christmas and told me that the project was not going to work out. We had no money for Christmas but received $300 dollars in gift cards from the ward, I bought what I could and it was enough. I really struggled. Technically my ex shouldn't have been in the home with us, but I was torn between the cold cold winter and the reality of what had happened, how could I throw him out in the cold. I took long walks with my baby daughter in her stroller, winter passed to spring and I kept walking and started blogging. I had long talks with myself and with God. Every day I grew in courage to do the right thing, to stand up for my daughter, to pack up my husbands things and send him packing.

What I remembered though really (while listening to Syl) is the walk that I took with my daughter, when I found acceptance. I was walking to my parents house, pushing my daughter in her stroller. The voice of self doubt was running through my head, I felt inadequate. I felt alienated from the world, all of the people rushing by in their nice cars, going to their nice homes, even their nice clothing made me feel inadequate.

Then a realization came to me, that I was not the sum total of what I owned. That no matter what shroud I wore I was still the same person. That I had a choice. I could choose to feel sorry for myself or to feel grateful.

I started on the path to healing the day I realized that I didn't have control, that I could let go and just BE who I was. I still have moments of feeling inadequate, moments of fear. But I work through them, I know the identity of those feelings.

Syls seminar/retreat was based upon the 5 talents, to her the talents represent gifts we are given, and multiplying those talents means that we recognize the potential of those gifts and develop them.

The gifts we are given, ironically emotions that we generally dislike; Anger, Grieving, Ignorance, Fear, and Turmoil.

We can choose to bury those talents, to misuse those talents, or we can choose to develop something good from them. Appreciation for Anger, Gratitude for Grieving, Insight for Ignorance, Focus for Fear, and Trust for Turmoil.

The difficult thing in life I think is coming back around to the things we already know, remembering our past, living in the present and being hopeful for the future.

Syl also spoke of our Dharma, and Karma. Being true to our Dharma, our lifes work. In order to avoid bad Karma. She talked about recognizing the face of God in ourselves and how other philosophies and belief systems have similar concepts of the divine. I am really grateful to have this beautiful LDS woman in my life who is unafraid to speak with the understanding she has found from other beliefs. I am really grateful I went to this retreat tonight, it was good for me, reminded me of the connection I have with God.

There is much I learned. I'm looking forward to attending the next retreat whenever Syl schedules it.


Thursday, February 7, 2013

Campfire Communion

Rituals, happy togetherness, wisdom dispensed, solemn songs sung together, voices reaching towards the skies. Reverberating wholeness, erosion of falsehoods. Give, love, whole, laughter, silence a gentle communion between spirits, encircled together as love, hope and charity are discussed.


I'm dancing to a different beat

my own beat

my own

a steady determined pulsing of life

I've fastened the shoes, I've fought for the right

to dance

to my own beat

my own

Longing for the River

The river

It is there as the constant companion to my blood

I can see it, dark, rushing, constant.

I would rush to it,

rush and jump in.

To come up gasping for air, only to dive into the current,

letting it carry me away.

The verdant green branches rushing past, low hanging branches calling out to me to regain my sanity.

Indecision as the waterfall approaches,

daring to put my whole self on the line, I fearlessly face it.

As it approaches I find the way through it, a rush, I go over and drop a few feet.

My mind is filled with the smell of rushing water,

and my feet thrill at the textures,

the cold soft earth of the river bed,

the moss underfoot,

the fish rub against my legs,

elusive as I try to grab them.

My body adapts to the water, I become a part of it,

rushing downstream from the mountains above.

When I climb out I shudder,

is it evaporation?


Longing for the river?

Walking Along the River

Speak in rushing soliloquies,

oh song from the North.

Rush through my veins,

light a candle at my feet,

well wishes.

For the silences between us,

and around us.

Birds speak lines,

a foreign tongue.

lines of love, lines of warning.

Men in motion,

listening to the beat of drums.

A war cry in a box,


with extensions towards your subconscious spirit.

Silent to all, except those who hold the connection.

A bloom, a star shaped wonder,

suspended in mid air,

gossamer threads.

Trying to please you,

I might as well sail on the sea of disappointment.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


There is passion and there's fire in me baby

I can't let the world pass by

I need you to do it for me baby

you can do it if you try

I am a flame and I have been burned

there are ancient tear drops on my face

Your insecurities and anger towards me baby

almost put me in my place

I have smoldered I have burned I have faced the shame and fear

Can you do it baby? I will be right here

Wield the sword of passion for me baby, stand up to your fear

I know that you can do it baby, I know victory is near.