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Sunday, April 6, 2014

Perfection

A state of perfection

I have killed myself before, reaching for a state of perfection
Stayed up all night to make sure that all articles of clothing have been washed and put away, all floors swept and moped, all carpets vacuumed and spot checked

I have washed walls and cried because I couldn't stop
Stayed home from parties
because my home was not clean
and I myself was not fit
curves not tucked into place

I didn't feel acceptable then

my children
went without me

to church
to family parties

they went off to play with their cousins at skating rinks and trampoline parks

while I lay sleeping

exhausted

imperfect

It's ridiculous

to think that I am not good enough

because everything is not in it's place

I live in gratitude that my children work hard everyday trying to do well in school, studying and striving. Yes they could help out more, I could demand more...

I think though that there will be time enough for me to sit all alone in a spotless house.

Aching to see their art projects, their bouquets of dandelions filling up my expensive tea cups, my daughters makeup, my sons basketballs and Pokemon cards. Someday I won't have to deal with it all.

Will I be perfect then?

I think not

Perfection lies in all the striving, all the creativity and life of the curious mind. Perfection is my daughters makeshift box house taking up space in the living room, someday I will get rid of it... someday, but not today. 

Friday, February 28, 2014

Where is my heart?

Where is my heart?

This is my companion, a keening search for self

Trying to define 

My smile

The depths of mystery that I see

Deep

Deep 

Within my soul.

My constant search, for pieces of my soul

Spread throughout the world

Written down 

Or spoken 

By others 

A piece of me

Where can I find myself, where am I?

Reflected in your smile, your laughter.

Deep

Is the search

So many places scoured

Searching ever for the source of self, searching for my heart

Not whole

Pieces of my soul

spread thin

Written down

or spoken

by others

Where can I find my heart? 

I have searched in caverns of wonder, I have listened to the wind

I have felt a disjointed prayer as I searched in the woods. 

Can I join in communion, with the laughter of the angels?

A little

Where is my heart?

It is aching in my chest

Poked and bleeding 

As I turn the pages of the pictures on the screen 

It is filled with echos

of wonder

birth

love

It is sitting here with me at my desk

In a world where heartache 

is hard to escape.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Irrationality

The rational mind
thinks it knows

how life should be

It describes
moving on
circumstances and changes

It is the arbiter of life
directing what it feels to be

right

good

Proper

Emotions

Ignore all that

They disregard it all,

the wishes of the rational mind.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Second Chances

Second chances

again and again

Rinse and repeat

Give me more

I've learned

I've changed

Moved on from the past

Why can't you?

Concessions

Once more

Give me more

Another chance

If I beg

If I plead

Second chances

Again

Once more


Sunday, October 27, 2013

Whispers of The Past

Whispers of the past

Your eyes tell me of your passion

they dance over me in amusement

A spark ignites

A flame

Passion for your presence

Glances

Stolen

As I pass

The scent of you lingers

the aroma of confidence

We burned together

I was alive

Every fiber

Every touch

attraction

then

all was ended

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Sarcasm

Life is a twist sometimes

Unplanned

I think it's settled

Calm

Then POW

I'm hit

Right upside the head

How should I respond?

Is it gone?

That hope for the future

The naievete of youth

All gone

Now every word is a reduction

The shortest means to resolution

A cycle never ending

Beginning

Again

Oh joy

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Echos

What does it take to escape the aches

the aches the aches the aches

What does it take to be satisfied

life

takes away

Passion

Passion

Passion is burning

PASSION AWAKES

Passion has left me

empty

Echos of yearning

Echos of living

Echos

Echos

Echos

Kissing my lips

teasing

Soft wind upon my shoulders

My lover

friend

Echos

Echos

Blown away in the fiercest wind

Echos

Shadows never whole again

Echos

Stenciled men, sketched in

Shades outside the lines

Flares and flames

Sparked again

Tremulous

Echos